to my future children (#1)
because of you, I started to live again.
I wrote this letter 5 years ago when i was on the brink of ending my life.
Some people will not understand or believe, but this isn’t for them.
A miracle or not, exactly a week later, I was on the next step of the start of my healing process.
October 23, 2021
The past few weeks haven’t been going well for me.
My heart has felt heavy, and I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t.
Over the past few days, the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 in the Bible has been making its way into my life.
Elijah was afraid and ran for his life… He came to a broom bush, sat down under it, and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once, an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank.
I always loved that story. It has been my go-to Bible story every time I’ve felt this way - tired, scared, depressed, su*cidal. You name it. And I absolutely love how God came to Elijah, asked what was going on, and listened. Knowing how Elijah felt, He just told him to rest and eat. Rest and eat.
“Get up and eat for the journey is too great for you.”
I love this story.
I feel seen and understood.
I feel no less than who I am because I’m reminded that it’s normal to feel this way.
While doing the dishes, on the verge of crying, I remembered it.
Upon thinking if I really do have a reason to live, if I really do have any more purpose in life. If it’s worth even living another day.
God led me to see a little girl… then a little boy… and it led me to think…
I know I’m afraid to have my own children. knowing my depression and anxiety can be passed on to them. But God, how beautiful it is to be a mother to my own children, to love them, to listen to them when they cry, to hug them even when they think it’s cringeworthy… How beautiful it would be to see them grow up? To always be the first one to see their lives like a movie being created by You?
Then it came to my mind.
How beautiful that name would be.
a Boy… Elijah…
a Girl… Elianna…
Oh, how I’ll live for them.
How I’ll love them.
Elliana, Elisha, Elijah, Elliot…
My dears, I don’t know any of you yet. I’ve yet to know if you are going to love singing like me, or be an artist, a writer, an engineer, or a doctor? But all I want you to know is, regardless of all of these, I will love you. I already love you.
But I want you to know that should my love fail, because I know at some point it will, God’s love is always for you. always.
You may find it funny, but I haven’t met your father yet. But I already know he’ll love you so much, too. If he knows how to sing, I’m pretty sure he’ll sing you to sleep every night until you’re tired of him (in which I hope you won’t). I’m more than sure he’ll teach you, boys, how to be a godly man, living for the glory of our King of kings.
My boys, my knights, be strong and gentle. There will come a time when you will be bigger than the people around you, but this doesn’t make you above them. Be kind. Love God and lead well. Your father is a gentleman; listen to him, learn from him.
My girls, my princesses, know that Mom will always be here for you. If everyone feels like an enemy, always know that I am your mother and that I love you regardless of anything and everything else. You girls are beautiful. You bring so much more to the table than just your weight or the color of your skin. You are seen and heard. You are so deeply loved. Let nobody, nobody, tell you otherwise.
My children, I do not know you yet, but I am living for all of you.
I want to live to tell you how beautiful life is despite the pain it could bring.
I want to share Jesus with all of you.
I want to show you what He did in my life, so you can also see Him in yours.
This is all for now, my loves. My amore. Mga minamahal ko.
Love, your mama.
