to my future children(#2)

the past isn't all that bad.

Hi kids.

I don’t know much about myself at the time you’d read this, but in this time in my life (I’m 25!) I do a lot of thinking about my past, not in regret, but rather in reflection.

I don’t think it’ll change as much when time goes by, and so, I don’t really understand why I felt the need to say that. Haha, humor me for wanting a more poetic beginning.

Well, it’s me again. How have you been? I hope you’re all doing well. Whether you’re one or 3 or 6 i just pray you’re all healthy and well in Christ.

The past isn’t all that bad.
It’s a mix of beautiful moments and excruciating truths.
Maybe the best way for me to describe it would be a glass mosaic that’s filled with color, empty spaces, dark spaces, and even some pieces broken off.
Life is a beautiful work of art, and mine, by God’s will and grace, is not nearly done yet. I still haven’t seen the whole picture.

And I’m as excited as I am terrified. Just because.

My past isn’t all sprinkles and rainbows as the majority would think I had it. (Being the youngest does have its perks, but it’s also a heavy burden)
But my past is a part of me I like to hide away for the main reason being - I just like myself better now than I did back then.

I mean, I think everyone can attest to this…

but it also get’s me thinking that i wouldn’t even be where i am today without

the 10 year old me watching youtube for phantom of the opera songs for the nth time believing i’d be a broadway performer or
the 12 year old me obsessed with wanting to fit in so i started liking a boy band (which i did end up loving anyway) just to understand the other girls in my class or
the 13 year old me who was just so lost in life, she became so sad she started hurting herself or
the 15 year old me who was so naive to mistake attention for affection and ended up dating a guy 6 years older than me

that by the way, girls and boys (or ladies and gentlemen when you read this?) I WOULD NOT ADVISE YOU TO DO SO UNTIL AND EVEN WHEN GOD TAKES ME HOME.

Girls, listen to me, that was the darkest period of my life. Please don’t come searching for love in the wrong places.
Boys, hear my words, take care of your sisters, and put your love in the right places. Please be the men I know you all are.

sigh… and here I am again.
You see, I always drift off to far places - especially when I’m alone, like right now.
The wind feels great on my skin
The birds singing is music to my ears
The heat of the sunset is a warm hug
And the colors of the sky are so soft, I wish I could glaze my finger tips on them
, but I digress

I spend a lot of time in the past. more than I’d care to admit.
sometimes i believe it’s the enemy at work to remind me of my dirt
but also, oddly and beautifully enough, i’m seeing Jesus’ hand in it as well

When I was 14, overdosing on sleeping pills, Jesus woke me up from the hospital
When I was 15, almost sacrificing my purity for some guy and Jesus stopped me before it could even happen
When I was 16, my dad had a stroke, and Jesus healed my father and opened my eyes to His sovereignty and His Grace.
When I was 18, and amidst being the odd duckling in my block, Jesus made me feel secure in who He saw me to be.

The past is dark, but it’s also been the place where God shone his light and made me who I am today.

on the surface, it doesn’t feel like much,
but the more i try to break things down,
Jesus was always present.

And isn’t that beautiful?

Some of these things I may have already shared with you, mga anak, and some you may have only heard for the first time (some of the things here, I also just wrote for the first time)

But if there’s one thing I want for you all to take away from this is that your past isn’t all you are, but it’s a time in your life where God was present and working. You just need to look at it a different way.

Sometimes I feel sad about my past, and i’m learning that’s normal.
But I guess now, simply by the grace of God, i’m mostly grateful.

I hope you’ll also be grateful for yours.

Love, your mama

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